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YongOctober 02 Final words that fill my heart - "Love you too"Don't know how to start this story but what i know is after 9 years of unforgiveable feeling... today the deep black hole inside my heart has been filled up becoz' the final words - "love you too".
I was an exchange student to USA during the year 2000-2001... stayed with 3 American families... first family was in KS, i stayed there for a months to prepare myself before i had to live in a real American world for the rest of the year. Then i moved to stay with second family which was in CA (this supposed to be my final family for the rest of the year) I stayed there for 8 months with the feelings unloved and unwanted. The neighbour, i would called my-Godsend-family, offered me a home so I did not hesitate to accept it. The day my 2nd host mother heard that I wanted to move to stay next door was the day I planed to move... I didn't tell her earlier becoz' i thought my area-representative officer will help me sort this out with her... i finished packed my bags, my 2nd host mother was ironing the clothes in her bedroom... i went into her room, telling her what i was going to do is the hardest part of my life. I told her that I'm sorry but i wanted to move to stay with next door people... she lost her temper, pointed finger at me and told me to leave her house immediately. I was shocked... didn't know what to do or say... i cried and pulled all my luggages downstair... who would ever thought that exchange student life will ever happen to face with this kind of situation???!!!! I remember i cried for the rest of that evening. A week after, I wrote a letter to her and put it in her post box saying sorry and please do not hate my-godsend-family becoz' i was the one who started the problems... Not too long after that she called me up and asked me to go over to her house to get a letter from my friend... I was nervous to meet them again... not sure of what would happen and surely the feeling toward this family had changed since the day i was kicked out... from bad to worst. Even though that day passed smoothly and after I came back to Thailand i received a few e-mails from her... but the feeling inside my heart already got a deep black hole... unforgiveable + unforgetable.
That's a long introduction to this short story... today my boss wasn't around so i got time to go on Facebook... i saw her still online so i chatted with her... talked about life and family, she's now part of Asante Africa Foundation, Inc which is an East African Children's Education Fund www.asanteafrica.org/ she said children there like her finger nails and like to touch her (just like those people who touch Jesus becoz' his power will go into their body and then they shouted "I touched him"). She is doing this becoz' it helps her to feel better after her daughter died last few years. Dad still have to travel becoz' of business but not as much as when i was there. Another exchange student left to stay in another city... so she's alone. We chatted for almost one hour... and i told her to go to bed becoz' it was already late in USA. I said Good night and end with "Love you, MUACH". She stopped typing for a while and replied "love you too"... somehow I felt these words really come out from her heart and we already got over that unforgiveable feeling... 9 years after... my deep black hole has been filled... this story is still unforgetable but it has already been forgiven. July 27 That feeling after all.....Yesterday while I was at a new shopping mall enjoying looking at things, One of my Thai best friends called from China... she suddenly cried and said Yong, please cry with me... he brings his girlfriend here. I wasn't sure if it was becoz' of my phone battery is low but after she finished the sentense, the line disconnected. I couldn't call her back becoz' it was a private number. I think i know exactly how she felt at that time... I e-mail her today and hope that she will get better after reading my e-mail... and if i could hope more than that i hope to see a smile after she read it. It wasn't a nice feeling to go through but it's good to have experience... so you can get tougher... get stronger... you know exactly how your friends feel... and you know they will be able to go thru it after all. Not easy and i never think that i can come this far. Never think that i can forget and yes honestly I can never forget but that feeling is gone... after all. And i'm glad today i truely understand "leave something you love to get something better". If I do not leave that feeling behind, I wouldn't find a lovely fine day like this...:) I would like to count this as another blessing... thank you, Father. April 23 Live your life to the fullestHave you ever thought that today is the last day of your life?? Try... it will help you feel much better. Do something good, be with people you love, call people you treasure, learn to give becoz' you can't take anything with you after you die... live your life to the fullest!!!!! May God bless you. April 03 FriendshipHenny and her family was here last Sunday... it was my frist time meeting with her little cutie - Leonny. I was so excited and it made me couldn't sleep well on Saturday night before her arrival just becoz' i wouldn't want to pick her up late. It has been so many years since we last met but our friendship still last. Before she used to drive me to University but this time i drove her around Phuket. My driving skill is not as smooth as hers but i did my best. I brought them to Paak-Naam Seafood and i'm glad they enjoyed the food so much, especially Leo's dad. His favourite dish was Stir-Fried Crab Meat with Curry Powder. Henny likes Prown salad. Leonny likes her crab fried rice. After that they want to shopping so i brought them to Central shopping mall... Leo bought a few toys for Leonny. Leonny doesn't play dolls... she likes those brain exercise type of toys. She's a smart girl, only 2 years old can read A-Z already!!! Around 5 pm i dropped them off at the hotel as they were all tired. After that I and Moo Ouan went to see Sunset at Kalim then had ขนมจีนแกงป่า for our dinner. What a wonderful day!! Thank you, Lord. March 20 First impressionThis is my frist impression falling in love with the doll. Never before but this one is an exception... look into the eyes of this doll... it's like you fall into a trap... the innocence, the sadness, the curiousity, the loneliness... feel that???? Cute little doll... can't believe a person like me start to like a doll.
  February 19 Luckiest person in the worldYesterday I called one of my high school friends... i didn't contact her for years... The reason i called her was to say Happy Birthday in advance (just thought that maybe she'll be too busy or doens't want to pick up the phone on her birthday)... it's a long chat... girl chat... ha ha ha. From what we know, none of our high school friends married yet... (but most of my friends in Australia already married...some of them are even quite a few years younger than me!!!!!) Thinking of reunion with friends during Christmas and New Year when i go back home... I have to becoz' i really miss them.
Now, my life is so routine - get up in the morning, clean myself, drop Moo Ouan off at work, go to work, pick Moo Ouan up after work, buy dinner, go home, eat dinner, shower, watch tv then sleep. But a life like this is not always bad. Not much color but I do enjoy it. Moo Ouan always put color in my life and I really Thank God for that. She's a type of person who many people are searching for the whole life but never find... and I think i'm so lucky...  October 15 a lover's concertoDoesn't matter how many times I hear this song... feel like flying... feel good... feel wanna cry sometimes, just think how lovely to sing this song to someone I love... so romantic................ how cute is the crip :) Quote YouTube - a lover's concerto October 06 Will I ever be forgivenJust realised how awful it is when you sinned against someone. In Leviticus 19:18 says 'Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD.' In Romans 12:19 says "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord." BUT STILL, I broke the law... I didn't listen to the Lord, I was angry with someone and revenge... I didn't kill or hurt anyone but still what I did is a sin. Just realised how guilty it is when you did something wrong because you were angry... because of the hatred. Will God ever forgive me for this??? September 15 Something should not doJust can't delete that person out of my head even though I know I should ... I should forget him becoz' every times I think about him, it keeps killing me a bit by bit... It has been almost 3 years... stupid me. Today i've got nothing to do so I, just for fun, searched his name on the internet... look through... saw his picture with someone I knew really well... they got married... hurt, isn't it?!! This is something you shouldn't do, YONG!!! When you try to forget someone, don't think about that person, don't ever look for something that relate to him, don't hear anything about him, don't, don't and don't you ever do that again!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Remember that!!! September 13 New work placeWorking in a new organazation called Yacht Solutions... started to work on 20th August 2008. New experience, learn a lot of things, enjoy it especially the day full of works... Keep me busy...no time thinking of many things I do not want to think of. People are nice and I hope they will continue to be nice as the time goes by. Daddy and Mommy seem to give up on pushing me back home. Dad is pretty ok letting me work here. He called me the other day and when I asked him why he called, he said "I called you becoz' I miss you". Not ofthen hearing daddy say something sweet like this... he made my day and every times I think of it, it brings a smile on my face. Love you, dad! MUACH!!! My sister-in-law is now pragnence, I'll be an Aunty soon... so excited!! Many of my friends are having their wedding this year: P'Mam, Freda, Erni, N'Dear and Poo... Congratulations!!!!!!!!! Don't ever ask me when becoz' I don't know and I don't want to know... enjoying my wonderful life right now... and maybe I meant to be a celibacy, who knows :). May 03 One of those daysThis is one of those days that I think and Always think " I want to go back to Australia or USA... or would be nice if I could go to Canada or New Zealand" ... Want to go, always want to... but... when will that be. I want to settle my life there somewhere ...where I can enjoy the fresh air...be in a nice cool weather... listen to the wind blow... go out for a walk with a dog and my love one... watch sunset... shout "I love you" on the top of the mountain...ever will my life get to be in that stage of life? God will you let me??? April 11 Water festival 2008Actually, it's not really about Water Festival, it's just that... i can't think of any title. So... what's going on with my life??? Umm... ok now i got a new job... working as Marketing and Communications officer... don't like the job but what i like is that i get to travel. Sigh... don't know what i really like to do but i know i'm happy when i see people happy. I think i want to do something that interact more with people, services... that what i really like. I love kids and elderly... nursery... nursing home...sigh... maybe i shouldn't think about these things when i know that it will be rejected by my parents... Want to be some where far far away... where i can go to the beach and relax, listen to the sea and the wind, blue+pink+purple sky... Sigh... God, I know i should be happy with the place You put me in but i still can't stop thinking about it. From today until 16th i'll have holiday as it's Water festival, going back home visit my family then come back here facing with stress again. Going to Korea for meeting on 26th and 27th... Young Su (my Korean friend in Perth) is getting married on 26th but i don't think i'll get to meet him... Anyway, Congratulations!!!!! People I know are getting married one by one... my brother just did last month (9th March 2008)... can't believe it but well, happy for you guys!! January 03 Working Life is real toughWell, it has been such a long time since i last wrote something on my space! Busy with work... going through a hard time... been to hospital... lots of things happen but thank God for sending someone to be with me all those times. Moo Ouan is a care-loving person i ever met. She has never left me when i feel down. Thank you! I love you!!!!!
Working life is real tough but i know i can go through it. I learnt that encouragement from people is real important in life. Wanted to update the picture in my space but maybe some other time. Get lots of chances to wear Thai traditional dress...haha... look weird but good experience. Anyway, happy new year to myself and anyone who read my space. March 14 Will i able to fulfill my dream?Every time I think of I'm going to start working very soon, my heart beats pretty fast... excited and nervous at the same time, don't know what will I have to do and will I able to do it well. But right now I'm thinking of when will I able to build a house for my parents. Just calculated my salary... sigh... it seems so long but I want to make my dream comes true no matter how long it will take. I just hope God will give me time long enough to fulfill it. Oh well, at least I got Aaron who will be an architect for me :), thanks!!! March 11 Surprised!!!Sometimes we just don't know when God will surprise us. He's a God who fulls of surprise... what surprise i got from Him? :) I, finally, got a job offer! I got to work in Phuket Fantasea, a company I'm interested in. The CEO phone interviewed me today. First he said: "I saw your resume, very good" (well, i don't think i wrote anything wonderful in my resume... umm... but maybe he doesn't think so). Well, yah, he asked what kind of job i want to do... then i said i want to be in customer service department or maybe marketing. Then he said actually he wanted me to be his son's secretary but got to wait for his son's decision. He just accepted me like that without asking me "those type of interview questions". Isn't it weird? :) February 18 Happy Chinese New Year!!After celebrating Chinese New Year alone in the last few years finally this year i got to celebrate Chinese New Year at home with my dear family. This year everyone is at home and we got 2 new members- My sisters' dogs name Lucky and Dang. It was fun to have them around even though they are ugly, smelly and naughty. After arrived Thailand, i went to Rayong and Pattaya with a friend of mine... got to see lots of thing i never get to see... but i think the highlight of the trip was spending time with someone i am happy to be with. I was sick for quite a few days during the trip but everyone was so nice looking after me, BIG THANKS!!! Came back home not even 3 days, dad took me to Ranong to visit his new factory which is going to open by the next 2 months. My bro drove there, it took us around 5-6 hours... gosh... i got carsick and that made me slept all the way from Hatyai to Ranong. I hate that feeling!! Seeing my bro working on the machine, i feel so proud of him. I did tell him that, even though he didn't show but i know he's smiling inside. :) Love him much more than ever, don't know why but that's how i feel... i used to think my bro is a lousiest brother in the whole wide world but now that kind of thinking doesn't not exist anymore but in the opposite he's the best brother one can ever have... just realised how much i have been blessed. On Valentine's day, dad, me and my bro were in Ranong, my dad carried a heavy metal the one i told him i have not enough strength to carry... at night he got a severe backache... never before that i see my dad was in that condition... his lip was pale, his body was cold, sweat a lot, and vomit. My bro was a hero carried my dad on his back and drove my dad to hospital. My bro was so calm and still joke around with the nurse and doctor... not me... i was scared and panic... didn't really know what should i do, i only pray that my dad will be ok... the nurse said he got high blood pressure, it had gone up to 180 when we reached hospital. i hold my dad's hand tight and the only thing that came up to my mind was "please don't take my dad away from me, he must be ok". Seeing someone you love so dear in pain wasn't something easy, i just wish i could be him at that moment so that he didn't have to feel so pain. Dad is ok now but that picture when my bro carried daddy on his back to the car still stick in my mind. My bro's birthday just passed, it was yesterday, me and my eldest sister bought him a blue shirt but we asked mom to give it to him and pretending that she was the one who bought it. Mom isn't a good pretender though. Sis bought mom an earring and mom loves it. Sis said she's so happy that she finally got something for mom becoz' if she shopping alone she would never be able to decide which one to buy for mom... and if she bought it mom might not like it. But maybe she never know, mom will like everything we give her, she never complain even though she doesn't like it.
The other day dad asked me if i want to continue my Master degree in England... sound good, isn't it?!! Dad said only one condition is that if i got a boyfriend there, that person must be Thai/Chinese... ha ha... dad is really afraid that i will get a Caucasian boyfriend since he heard that i was qualified to be exchange student to the State... but he should know by now that his youngest daughter isn't attractive enough to those Caucasian!!!!! :(
January 06 LonelinessFinally the time of loneliness has arrived. It's not easy to say goodbye but... do i have any other choice?... No...
"I wish I could..." this sentense always make its noise, shouting loudly deep inside my heart.
Semester end, Friends left one by one... 说了好几次“再见”但是什么时候我们可以“再见”呢？？ Many people said "I will remember you", "I will not forget about you","I will keep in touch"... but...说得容易，做得难... from my experience, none of those who said that can acheive what they said. When you are phisically far away, memory fade and finally gone away. Life is like that, isn't it?
Sigh... I wish i could turn back time... just wish i could meet you earlier... i miss every single thing about you.
And I wish bus number 62 never stop and there are only me and you.
January 02 Happy New YearIt's New Year, Yong!!! Happy New Year 2007!! :)
I spent my New Year by spending time with someone i'm happy and feel comfortable to be with. Just wish everyday could be like this... thank you for adding color into my life. I know this is just a dream and sooner or later i'll have to wake up... i just want to use every single second to enjoy this dream to the fullest. I love you. December 09 24th Birthday7th December 2006... another birthday without him...
Started my day with calling up my mom... planned to tell her how much i feel thankful and love her. However, the moment she picked up the call and asked me why i called... i just lost my word... so i told her "it's my birthday today, i just want to get a blessing from you"... she laughed and said oh yah, that's what i thought today is my dauther's birthday... (this sentense i always hear every birthday...haha). Anyway, Thanks mom for holding me in your stomach for 9 months... 9 months of uncomfortable... Thanks mom for taking care of me for 24 years... I have today becoz' of you. Love you, Muach!!!!!!!
Went to class in the morning, Henny and P'Ao called to say happy birthday :) Lunch time, i had huo guo with friends. Then sleep in the afternoon. Got surprised cakes from friends... thanks!!
Sigh... one thing made this year birthday very special was that i forgave someone on my birthday... feeling much better after we got to talk once again. Gosh...it was not easy to give up my pride and initiate the conversation. But i'm glad i did. Thank God!
December 04 "understanding"Today i skipped both classes... bad yah? sigh... already woke up but then i really don't feel like going to class... i'm trying to get over the awful memory last Saturday... so i'm taking a rest, being on my own, thinking through the whole situation and wondering why people said they do "understand" exactly how i feel but what they have done is totally contrast with their words... action speaks louder than word... that's what i believe. If people really understand how i feel they surely consider about my feeling before they say anything... am i right? Sometimes a joke can be an unhealthy joke that ruin a wonderful friendship... it's just like when the glass is broken, it is impossible to put all those pieces back together and make it looks exactly the same, the clack still there no matter how hard you try. Sigh... a relationship is so fragile... i know i need to take good care of them and treasure them but sometimes i think it's better to let it goes so that i won't feel that much hurt. Like what it said "if you love someone you gives the loved one the power to hurt and pain you in the way that nothing else can"... and now i know what does that mean... the only reason why i feel so hurt toward what these people said or done is becoz' i love them otherwise i wouldn't care about what they said/done... sigh... so maybe i should just delete them out of my mind... so that when they mean nothing to me then i won't feel anything toward whatever they want to do... November 29 God's helpFinally, I'm done with the speech competition! I win the first prize and the most popular candidate prize... Wow! I wouldn't be able to get all these prizes without God's help! My Chinese is not that great + i was so nervous to be in front of a lot of people. But God is great and that He carried me through. Before they called out my name to go up on the stage, i prayed to God: "God, let this glorify your name... i'm so nervous, help me!" And who knows, that simple pray was heard and been answered. During the moment i was having my speech everyone in the hall suddenly quiet down... i didn't know why that happen but somehow it surprised me. After I'm done with my speech, i heard a few people cried becoz' the story was so touching... wow, didn't know my speech was that powerful. I got the average score 9.6 out of 10. Thank you, Lord!
I'm sure my parents will feel so proud of me... and i'm glad i have done that for them. MUACH!! Love you!!!!!!!! November 21 Miracle of John 3:16A little boy was selling newspapers on the corner, the people were in and out of the cold. The little boy was so cold that he wasn't trying to sell many papers. He walked up to a policeman and said, "Mister, you wouldn't happen to know where a poor boy could find a warm place to sleep tonight would you? You see, I sleep in a box up around the corner there and down the alley and it's awful cold in there for tonight. Sure would be nice to have a warm place to stay." The policeman looked down at the little boy and said, "You go down the street to that big white house and you knock on the door. When they come out the door you just say John 3:16, and they will let you in." So he did. He walked up the steps and knocked on the door, and a lady answered. He looked up and said, "John 3:16 ." The lady said, "Come on in, Son." She took him in and she sat him down in a split bottom rocker in front of a great big old fireplace, and she went off. The boy sat there for a while and thought to himself: John 3:16 ...I don't understand it, but it sure makes a cold boy warm. Later she came back and asked him "Are you hungry?" He said, "Well, just a little. I haven't eaten in a couple of days, and I guess I could stand a little bit of food," The lady took him in the kitchen and sat him down to a table full of wonderful food. He ate and ate until he couldn't eat any more. Then he thought to himself: John 3:16 ...Boy, I sure don't understand it but it sure makes a hungry boy full. She took him upstairs to a bathroom to a huge bathtub filled with warm water, and he sat there and soaked for a while. As he soaked, he thought to himself: John 3:16... I sure don't understand it, but it sure makes a dirty boy clean. You know, I've not had a bath, a real bath, in my whole life. The only bath I ever had was when I stood in front of that big old fire hydrant as they flushed it out. The lady came in and got him. She took him to a room, tucked him into a big old feather bed, pulled the covers up around his neck, kissed him goodnight and turned out the lights. As he lay in the darkness and looked out the window at the snow coming down on that cold night, he thought to himself: John 3:16 ...I don't understand it but it sure makes a tired boy rested. The next morning the lady came back up and took him down again to that same big table full of food. After he ate, she took him back to that same big old split bottom rocker in front of the fireplace and picked up a big old Bible. She sat down in front of him and looked into his young face. "Do you understand John 3:16 ?" she asked gently. He replied, "No, Ma'am, I don't. The first time I ever heard it was last night when the policeman told me to use it," She opened the Bible to John 3:16 and began to explain to him about Jesus. Right there, in front of that big old fireplace, he gave his heart and life to Jesus. He sat there and thought: John 3:16 -- I don't understand it, but it sure November 19 Pioneer of faithToday sermon's title: Pioneer of faith. Have you ever heard of a sermon then feel that God is speaking to you and the message is special just for you? I still remember what HE used to tell me: 'you go to church for 100 times but maybe there is only once that you receive the message and the only once is worth enough'. And i think this one is one of those "once" He was talking about. I'm glad that i didn't miss the church today otherwise i would miss this wonderful sermon.
One of the sisters in the church is so nice to me and i just feel blessed to have her around. I really Thank God for sending her into my life. I'm sure she does not know how much she has impacted my life, her positive thinking, her cheerfulness and faithfulness just make me feel much better in this environment. Thank you, Marlene.
Talked to daddy and mommy the other days... they are short of money... gosh, feel so sorry. Hope to get a job soon so i at least release their burden and hopefully i can earn some money to give my parents. Really pray that the job is just the right job for me and it's the job God has provided for me. Sigh... miss HIM... miss his encouragement words and the warm big hug. November 07 Jiu Zhai Gou - Heaven on Earth!!!Finally one of my dreams is completed. The trip to Jiu Zhai Gou was fantastic. Even though i have to go through 11 hours of sitting in the bus but that was considered nothing when i got to see God's wonderful creation - Jiu Zhai Gou.
I used to hear people say the words "Heaven on Earth"... never even once i understood what does it really look like... but now i do. I just can't stop praising Him for what He has given to us. No word could explain how wonderful is His workmanship.
Huang Long is another beautiful place i got to visit during this trip... 2 hours of hiking up the mountain... not easy but i made it!!! However, Huang Long wouldn't be able to compare with Jiu Zhai Gou itself... if i would be able to choose, i would have my wedding in Jiu Zhai Gou. Sound crazy, huh? but somehow i wish it would happen in my life. Sigh... daydreaming once again... I guess missing HIM is what it is all about...
 "wouldn't it be nice if we together...". sigh... what a daydreamer!!October 27 Over!Just finished with mid test... awfully done but i did give my best. But back to the question "what if i fail?"...i don't know but what i know for sure is that i would have a hard time get over it... hate failure... i'm sure everyone does but somehow it just seems harder for me to get over it... well, maybe i should say i choose it that way. It's not that i don't want to get over it, it's not that i don't want it to get off my mind but it's just hard and it doesn't seem to go away just like that way i want it to be...
It's kinda awful these days... started off with back pain, stomach ache, vomitting, then no appetize in all the sudden. But thank God that i'm still alive and thank Him for sending me the most precious gift - "family and friends ".
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